Why bother fitting in? Why bother proving myself to strangers and communities who will never see me.
Never actually see me. Why do I spirit myself away to environments where I feel so alien.
It is self flagellation at this point.
I genuinely don't know why this is still happening. I don't know why I am still letting this
happen. I have even made IRL friends recently and they are so affirming after feeling so alien.
So I don't need to do this anymore.
Where did this wound come from and why hasn't it healed? Am I not letting it heal?
This wound is likely a decade old.
Maybe I'm so used to feeling alienated that it is probably a comfort to me.
I should probably give myself grace though as in each and every situation I genuinely
thought to myself, "Yes, things are changing. Yes I feel a light of some sort."
And soon I realize I am mistaken.
The one thing I like about small bouts of sadness is my willingness to find solace in
small things. Like as I came home from work I looked forward to watching the scenery
on the MAX pass by.
It's nice in that way
I will take up space again